Let Them In

Series: Finding Your People Pt. 2

This article is Part 2 of a three-part series adapted from the letter “Friendship,” in Volume 2 of Letters to Lindsey: Seeing Your Child’s Autism Diagnosis Through A Gospel Lens. Read Part 1.

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Dear Lindsey,

Finding the right people is only half the battle.

The other half? = Letting them close enough to actually help.

If you’re anything like me, that won’t come naturally.

I want friends. I just don’t want them to see the version of me that parenting autism sometimes exposes.

It’s easier to let people see the polished version than the one that’s tired, discouraged, and wondering if I’m doing any of this right.

It’s vulnerable. It’s exposing. It’s risky.

• What if they don’t understand?

• What if they judge us?

• What if they quietly decide we’re just... too much?

Those questions kept me from opening my life to people for a long time.

And yet, I’ve learned something over the years.

Friends can’t support a life they’ve never been invited into.

Communication Is a Gift

Lindsey, one of the greatest gifts you can give your friends is clarity.

Not because they expect it. Because they need it.

People can’t read your mind.

• They don’t know that wide-open parks without fences make your heart race.

• They don’t know that canceling dinner isn’t because you don’t value the friendship.

• They don’t know that leaving early from church wasn’t rudeness.

• They don’t know that your child isn’t “being difficult.”

They simply don’t know.

➡️ Until you tell them.

Clear communication isn’t selfish. It’s kind.

It allows people who genuinely love you to actually love you well.

The Hard Part of Friendship

There are parts of friendship that nobody really prepares you for.

Sometimes your best friend’s kids and your autistic child simply don’t mix well.

I remember when over at a friends house, where her kid had a bunch of cars and my son quickly began to collect them and carefully lined Lightning McQueen and his friends cars.

Every single one had a place. Every car belonged to the “family.”

Then the little boy who “owned” the cars picked up the one car that completed the family.

To everyone else, it looked like sharing.

To Graham, the entire system had fallen apart.

The meltdown that followed wasn’t about a toy. It was about order.

It was about predictability. It was about a brain experiencing genuine distress.

So we left.

The meltdown continued for hours after we got home.

My friend didn’t seem to understand the problem.

Then there’s the advice people often give: “You just need autism mom friends.”

Those friendships are beautiful. But they’re not simple either.

Autism isn’t one experience.

One of my dear friends has an autistic son who is sensory avoidant.

Mine is sensory seeking.

One afternoon, Graham spotted the elaborate sand fortress her son had spent hours building. Her son desperately wanted every grain exactly where it belonged. Graham desperately wanted to experience every grain with his hands.

Collin intercepted Graham just before total destruction.

We laughed.

Then...

We went home.

Again.

Shared diagnoses don’t automatically create shared experiences.

Every family is different. Every child is different.

Which means every friendship still requires grace.

Let Them Into Your Crazy

One of the strangest prayers I’ve ever prayed was this:

“Lord...Send me someone who can just sit in our crazy.”

I wasn’t asking for someone to fix us or someone who had all the answers.

I was simply asking God for someone who wouldn’t be scared away by our life.

Someone who understood that if we were going to spend time together...

They would probably have to come to us.

• Someone who could sit on our couch while toys covered the floor and a pile of laundry surrounding them.

• Someone who could carry on a conversation while unexpected noises echoed through the house.

• Someone who wouldn’t flinch if a difficult behavior interrupted dinner.

I’ll never forget the first time one of my closest friends was sitting in our living room.

In the middle of our conversation, something flew across the room and nearly hit her.

A few seconds later Graham let out one of his loud, high-pitched vocal stims.

She jumped. Then looked at me.

“That didn’t scare you?”

I smiled. “No.” “We’re used to it.”

A few visits later something incredible happened.

Another object came flying across the room. Without even interrupting her sentence...she casually leaned to the side. The object missed her. She kept talking.

A loud stim echoed through the house. She didn’t even look up.

She had learned our normal. Not because someone trained her.

Because she loved us enough to keep showing up.

Praise God...He answered that prayer.

Teach Them

Sometimes we assume people should know how to love our family.

But how could they?

Most people have never parented an autistic child.

• They don’t know how to join your child in their special interest.

• They don’t know why scripting matters.

• They don’t know what sensory overload feels like.

Teach them.

• Teach them what brings your child joy.

• Teach them what creates anxiety.

• Teach them how they can help.

People who truly love you won’t see your explanations as burdens.

They’ll see them as invitations to serve you and your family well.

Make Space for Growth

Your friendships will change.

Some people won’t understand this season and some friendships will naturally drift.

Others will deepen.

Don’t panic when that happens. Friendships have seasons too.

Proverbs 13:20 reminds us,

“The one who walks with the wise will become wise.”

Who you walk with matters. Not every friendship needs to become a back deck friendship. But don’t expect perfection from people either.

They’re learning your world just as you’re learning it.

• Give them room to ask awkward questions.

• Give them room to make mistakes.

• Give them room to grow.

Because somewhere along the way... someone gave that same grace to you.

And maybe that’s one of the most beautiful parts of friendship.

Not finding people who already understand your life.

Finding people who love you enough to learn it.

In Part 3, we’ll finish this series by talking about the friends every Christian ultimately needs: the ones who help us keep our eyes fixed on Christ and run the race with endurance.